I know that sounds utterly ridiculous because...well...I am a female, after all. Yes, I am a female but I'm very boyish when it comes to many things. In fact, I have always been grouped with the boys because I related to them more than females. I think that's because I tried to emulate the person I always looked up to, my older brother. Now, my brother is a very loud and dirty-mouthed individual. He is crass and unafraid to speak his mind although not eloquently. He's very blunt and his words can cut like a knife. THAT, is what I was turning into. THAT is the exact opposite of what I want to be. What I crave is sophistication. I want to be able to speak my mind without dropping a cuss word every other word. I want...I basically want to be one of those women you can see in old movies. My mother has always called me an Old Soul and I really never grasped that idea until this week. I am an Old Soul. I crave the elegance that one could see back in the upper class citizens of the early 1900's. I've forced myself to be vulgar and not completely enjoy what I like because I wanted to be like everyone else. I tired to be everyone who wasn't me. I wanted to blend so no one would make fun of the way I would talk (which happens because I apparently sound "British"), or think I was being haughty and under the impression that I'm better than everyone else. So, I tried to be like people I noticed others enjoyed being around and who I believed behaved "normally". I have been totally unhappy and lost because of it. So, I have made a vow to myself. I shall no longer worry about what society thinks of my manners and my likes. Why do they care anyways? I shall enjoy my Crooners and Turner Classic Movies. I will strive to keep a clean mouth and speak eloquently. I will became my ideal self, I am determined.
P.S: I feel as though I have given you the impression that I do not like how my brother is. Mind you, I am not the biggest fan of his incessant use of the f-word and how insensitive he can be at times, however; he's my brother and I love him all the same. I just realize that I cannot live a healthy life being someone I am not.