Friday, February 22, 2013

Epiphanies

Salutations! This post will seem completely different than the last and that's because I am in a different state than when I last wrote and that's because I've had a very large epiphany. I wrote that I didn't know who I was and that's not entirely true. I thought I didn't know but I really do. The problem is that i'm dissatisfied with who I'm turning out to be because it's not who I want to be.To put it into psychological terms, I am having a war with my actual self , my ideal self, and my ought self. The thing is, I'm terrified of being my ideal self. I crave to be something that is not in the norm of this modern society and it scares me. I'm afraid that if I am who I want to be, no one will like me and I will be ostracized for my likes and manner of being. It's also a lot of work! Now, what exactly do I want to be like? A lady

I know that sounds utterly ridiculous because...well...I am a female, after all. Yes, I am a female but I'm very boyish when it comes to many things. In fact, I have always been grouped with the boys because I related to them more than females. I think that's because I tried to emulate the person I always looked up to, my older brother. Now, my brother is a very loud and dirty-mouthed individual. He is crass and unafraid to speak his mind although not eloquently. He's very blunt and his words can cut like a knife. THAT, is what I was turning into. THAT is the exact opposite of what I want to be. What I crave is sophistication. I want to be able to speak my mind without dropping a cuss word every other word. I want...I basically want to be one of those women you can see in old movies. My mother has always called me an Old Soul and I really never grasped that idea until this week. I am an Old Soul. I crave the elegance that one could see back in the upper class citizens of the early 1900's. I've forced myself to be vulgar and not completely enjoy what I like because I wanted to be like everyone else. I tired to be everyone who wasn't me. I wanted to blend so no one would make fun of the way I would talk (which happens because I apparently sound "British"), or think I was being haughty and under the impression that I'm better than everyone else. So, I tried to be like people I noticed others enjoyed being around and who I believed behaved "normally". I have been totally unhappy and lost because of it. So, I have made a vow to myself. I shall no longer worry about what society thinks of my manners and my likes. Why do they care anyways? I shall enjoy my Crooners and Turner Classic Movies. I will strive to keep a clean mouth and speak eloquently. I will became my ideal self, I am determined.

P.S: I feel as though I have given you the impression that I do not like how my brother is. Mind you, I am not the biggest fan of his incessant use of the f-word and how insensitive he can be at times, however; he's my brother and I love him all the same. I just realize that I cannot live a healthy life being someone I am not.
 

Friday, February 15, 2013

HELLOOOOO INTERNET!

Salutations, fellow Internet dwellers. My name is not really Phoenix, it's far more French sounding, however; I feel like my story and what I aim to achieve is best portrayed by that name. If you can't figure out what I mean, I'm saying I want to start new. I wish to be reborn from the ashes of my past. It's quite cliché but shedding my old life like a snake isn't as majestic sounding. An my old life, it's not as ominous as I think I'm making it sound. I wasn't a criminal or anything crazy like that but things did not go as I would have liked. I'm jumping ahead though. Lets begin as every new blogger does- with a short biography. 

I was born in Miami, Florida and lived there with my mother, siblings and great-grandmother. Then at the angst-ridden age of thirteen, I was plucked from the city and thrown into the country. I lived in this new environment, Wakulla county, for about eight years. I learned to love it there and experienced many of my firsts there. My first love, my first loss, my first heartbreak. But after many mistakes and an anxiety attack, I felt it was time to leave. I packed my things and after many tears and long embraces from my mother, I moved back to my home city to live with my older brother and his family. This is where the rebirth comes in. 

I moved here hoping to start new and reinvent myself but I discovered there was a flaw in my genius plan. I didn't know who I was to begin with. How does one start again when you don't even know who you were to begin with? I am only twenty, I understand that there is no rush to solve this mystery but how do I even begin? That's what I hope to unravel by writing this blog. As it says in the title, this is a quest story. A quest to find out who I am and what I've learned so far. 

I hope you have enjoyed my little introduction and that you come back to my microscopic corner of the Internet to see my quest unfold. Until next time dearies!